Up and Down
by Caitabee
Summary: A ride on the merry-go-round can clear your mind - or make you even more confused...


Up and down, up and down. The almost screeching music of the merry-go-round making him want to cover his ears with both hands. This was Bobby's sanctuary that no one could invade.

What kind of grown man rode on children's rides in the middle of the night?

That was an unspoken question that he had sensed the ride monitors itching to ask every time they saw him on the merry-go-round, but he had no answer for them. For once in his life the genius Bobby Goren didn't have an answer to a question. If he had to guess he would have probably said that he liked to sit on the horses, listening to children's laughter with his eyes closed, all the anger and pain of work slowly ebbing away like the morning tide. But there were other reasons, ones that ran deeper than the surface for why he loved the merry-go-round so much. It was the last ride at the park that his mother had taken him on before she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. It was a piece of his childhood that he wasn't willing to let go of without a fight.

Thank god no one from work had ever seen him here, or they would've told Captain Deakins that it was finally time to refer him to the departmental shrink. Either that or set up a sting on him on suspicion of being a pedophile…

He'd seen parents of the children on the ride give him strange looks. Some not even letting their kids go on the ride, dragging them away and trying to quell the tears of the young, though not doing very well. He really felt bad about being the reason for their tears, but he couldn't help it. He needed the ride more than anything. More than work, more than Alex, more than himself.

He still went everywhere, and acted like a human being, but inside he was hollow. Empty. He felt no emotion except fear – fear that he'd start to show signs, the same ones his mother had, and the ones that rushed through his mind whenever he was idle. To keep them out he needed to keep busy, think, talk and work. That was why he liked his job so much – because it gave him something to do. It kept the voice out of his mind.

Alex. She was the only other reason that he went. He liked her, but was too afraid of rejection to ask her out on a real date. Of course they went to lunch together, they worked together every day for god's sake! But whenever he tried to ask her he felt like that geeky little kid in high school again, and always stopped and changed the subject, looking away so he never saw the hurt in her eyes.

Everything else was a fact of life, a routine. Wake up, shower, eat breakfast, read the paper, go to work, get home, eat dinner, shower, bed. But the routine was drowning him and he knew it. The cracks were starting to show in his armor and he didn't like it one bit. He dropped things without meaning to, stumbled over his words, things he never used to do. Maybe he was just getting older. Maybe he was going crazy.

Up and Down. Up and Down. He smiles and rests his head against the cool metal pole that connects the horse to the roof and the floor. Up and Down. Up and Down.

The merry-go-round was life. There were up's and there were down's, but it was always excitable and ended when it did. "Life." He mutters, and wraps his hands a little tighter around the pole; squeezing his eyes shut and feeling everything wash over him. The smells of the park; the sugary doughnut that the stall holders were always selling to parents for their children, the slight stench of stale vomit that always marked the park as it's own. The sounds; the screams of people on the roller coaster, the laughs of parents and children, whispers of couples as they look for somewhere private to express their love for each other.

Maybe it was time for him to settle down, his mother would've wanted him to by now, but somehow he always found a way to wriggle out of relationships, assuring himself that he still hadn't found the perfect woman. He knew who the perfect woman was – he just needed to realize it.

The ride pulls to a stop and he debates whether to stay on for another go, just for the hell of it. There's still too much to think about, he decides, and stays on his horse, receiving glares from various people. A man steps toward Bobby, but the ride operator grabs the man by the arm and whispers, "Leave him be. He's no harm."

Bobby's grateful to the girl, but hates her just as much for talking about him as if he weren't there at all. The little feet thunder onto the metal floor of the ride, and the kids rush around, looking for their perfect animal. Everyone's seated and the ride starts again, the screeching music filling his ears mixed with laughter. Up and Down he starts to move, the ride taking him away to a better place before everything became real. Back to when he was a kid – letting him reminisce.

"Is this horse taken?" A voice asks from beside him, making him look up, startled. No one ever spoke to him while he was on the ride; they all thought that he was insane. He meets her eyes and nods warily, watching her sit lightly on the hose opposite him. They both sit in silence for a while, both afraid to speak.

"How did you find me?" He asks, resting his head back on the pole and letting its coolness rush through his body.

She smiles and replies, "I'm a detective. It wasn't all that hard. Just follow the clues."

He sighs as he realizes that he won't be able to come here again – the tranquility of the ride now missing. Another rotation and he speaks slowly, trying to find words for what he wants to say. He stutters, a thing he's never done before, and for once is relieved that she cuts him off.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

"Promise?"

"I promise, Bobby. Cross my heart."

"Thanks Alex…" He says, smiling just like he did the first time his mother brought him on the ride, and feeling just as safe as he did the first time.

**FIN**


End file.
